Just about everyone has experienced rejection. They say it is our biggest fear. I suppose much of that comes from our instincts in childhood since a child experiences rejection as life threatening. Nature programs us to avoid rejection, so that as kids we don't die of starvation!

However, we may tend to carry this instinct (avoid rejection at all costs) over into our adult life in a way that does not help us create healthy relationships.

Lets have a looks at what 'rejection' means to an adult. Imagine I have tried to contact someone who did not respond in the way I hoped - or, who did not respond at all. When that happens I may feel 'rejected'. But, what is that all about?

After all I don't know what is going on with the other person. How they are behaving may have nothing it all to do with me. (It might, but I'll come back to that later - see What if it is My Fault?).

I could tell myself various things about this 'rejection' depending on how I feel at that particular moment - especially if it is the third time it has happened this week. I might start to feel really bad about myself. However, there is another way I can handle it. There is a way in which even an apparent rejection can help build my self-esteem rather than damage it. It is all down to what I tell myself about the event.

The part in quotes is my initial response and the part that follows is how I explain it to myself.

'They don't like me.' - but they don't even know me. Best just to move on.
'They don't like what I said/wrote/did.' - fair enough. Not everyone is going to like my style. I will learn what I can, but I will also move on.
'They have lost faith in relationships at that moment' - maybe, if so not much I can do about that. Best just to move on.
'They are too busy' - not much I can do about that either. Best just to move on.
'They are a stuck-up %^&!' - but I don't even know them. I don't know what they might be going through. Best just to move on.
'I did not really like them anyway' - maybe, maybe not. I don't know them. Best just to move on.
'I am a terrible person. Nobody like me' - nah! Not everyone likes me, but some folks do. Best just to move on.
'I don't know' - I don't know what is going on with that person. I probably never will. Best just to move on.
'Nothing' - that's right. It may have nothing at all to do with me. Best just to move on.

You'll notice in the above there is a discussion going on. One part (in quotes) expresses my gut reaction; the other part interprets the event and helps bring it to some kind of resolution.

Seeming rejection from other people is really only a problem if I have rejected myself. If I feel pained by a situation it is best that I listen to the part of me that feels the hurt and hear what is has to say. I can then think about what happened and explain it to myself. If I reject the hurt, then I am really rejecting myself, and that causes a lot more pain than anything.

What hurts is not what other people say or do, but what we tell ourselves about it.