It seems like such a minor thing to label something as 'shyness'. It makes it sound like it is no big deal. However, if we look at the missed opportunities and the loneliness that can come from shyness we can see that it is no minor thing. Shyness is a very important issue.

I heard at a talk the other day that research has shown that shyness is on the increase. When we look at how we live our lives these days that is hardly surprising.

In days of yore we would all have been members of a tribe, and our lives would have been a lot more public and lot less private. When something happened to a tribe member everyone else knew about it - with all the advantages and disadvantages of that!

Of course, there is not point harkening back to the past. After all, if it had been all that great we might have stayed that way!

However, the point is that as more and more of what goes in our lives is 'private' and this can reduce our natural ability to interact with each other in meaningful ways.

Social skills are exactly that - they are skills! A lack of any particular skill does not mean that there is anything wrong with us; it just means we need get the idea about how to do something and then practice to get good at it.

The problem with shyness is that we can build negative beliefs about ourselves based on that lack of skills. A shy person may end up having unkind judgments about themselves. Their fears and repeated 'failures' at relating may lead them to feel that they are somehow deficient and this can make it even harder for them to reach out to others.

The problem with shyness is that it tends to be self-perpetuating unless we do specific things to break out of it. When we feel shy we tend to hide. When we hide we don't give ourselves that chance to learn the necessary skills to relate to others in public situations.


Some people try to overcome shyness by becoming 'aggressive' or the life and soul of the party. They power their way out of the problem. This can help to some extent, but only if the person then learns to go beyond their 'act' and keep it in balance so that it is an authentic expression of their natural selves.

Many people who are very shy in public are fine in one-on-one situations. However, many 'life and soul of the party' types don't do so well on one-on-one. Many people who are very confident in public have as hard a time with having intimate conversations as the shy person has in public situations. A lot depends on what set of skills you have got round to developing.

A certain amount of shyness can be attractive especially expressed as a shy smile. A shy smile has a message that goes like "I am willing to take a risk and let you know that I like you". This can be very attractive as it shows friendliness, courage and charm all at the same time.

When we show that we are making an effort to get past shyness we will often find that people will go out of their way to respond encouragingly. Therefore there is no harm in coming across as a bit shy.

I don't have any specific books are courses to recommend for dealing with shyness. Best thing is to take a wander along the Self Help shelves of good bookstore.

One thing I do suggest is make it easy for yourself to practice. Practice skills like eye contact with friends and relations (plus the person at the checkout counter) and not scare yourself too much in the beginning. Go easy and you'll stay with it for the long haul.